


And The Memories That Haunt

by WinterMelodies



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Ezekiel centric, Ezekiel remembers, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, He just doesn't wanna show it, Hurt!Ezekiel, Hurt/Comfort, I like to think that's cannon, Jenkins cares about Ezekiel, Nightmares, Post-Episode: s02e08 And the Point of Salvation, They all live at the Annex, Trauma, big brother Stone, even though he still finds Ezekiel annoying and likes to pretend he can't stand him, ezekiel has ptsd, lots of Ezekiel suffering in this one, sort of, the others are worried
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-30 17:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8542693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterMelodies/pseuds/WinterMelodies
Summary: As far as everyone knew, Ezekiel had absolutely no memory of his time trapped in the video game.In a sense it was true; he had no conscious memory of the horrors he had experienced trying desperately to save his friends.His conscious memory may be an “unsaved game,” but his subconscious had managed to retain all the information.It was almost cruel, really. Leave the aftereffects but take the memories to explain the cause.
--
 Everyone thought Ezekiel was back to normal after the video game fiasco, including Ezekiel himself. But Ezekiel's memories of the video game plague his subconscious and begin to cause him horrible, terror-inducing nightmares and anxiety that threaten to tear him apart if the others can't convince him to accept their help.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Continuing my quest to bring more Ezekiel-centric fics into the fandom. I just love how much potential there is for him, his backstory, and his character development. Although I'm still frustrated at how little we've learned about his life compared to the others, it does allow a fair amount of freedom in crafting his backstory for a fic. I've been playing around with a lot of ideas for his backstory, so they'll definitely be making their way into most of my fics about him.
> 
> This is the first time in a long time I've let myself attempt a multi-chaptered fic because I used to always have difficulty finishing, but I'm posting this chapter right now so that I feel obligated to finish it rather than letting myself leave it for way too long.

**Chapter 1**

As far as everyone knew, Ezekiel had absolutely no memory of his time trapped in the video game.

            In a sense it was true; he had no conscious memory of the horrors he had experienced trying desperately to save his friends. And while the others at least remembered their final run, the memories of the countless other runs were apparently lost forever. No one would ever truly know what Ezekiel went through, over and over and over again, to save them all.

            But though Ezekiel had no conscious memories of the video game, they still came to him in his dreams. Horrible, confusing dreams that were gone by the time he awoke, but still left him gasping and sweaty and on the edge of panic and desperately grasping for even just a sliver of a memory that might tell him why, _why_ this was happening to him.

            It was almost cruel, really. Take the memories but leave the aftereffects.

            His conscious memory may be an “unsaved game,” but his subconscious had managed to retain all the information.

            It didn’t start immediately afterward. He had been fine. It was almost like nothing had even happened, although he did notice the difference in how the others looked at him. He remembered their words to him when it was all over.

            _You were a hero._

            Yeah right. Like he, Ezekiel Jones, was even capable of being a hero. He had decided a long time ago that he should just give up on trying to be the good guy when it was so much easier to be good at being bad. He was sure they were just pulling his leg, taking advantage of the fact that he lost his memory to mess with him.

            But they really were looking at him with different eyes. Their actions were the same. It wasn’t like they were suddenly treating him like a totally different person. But the eyes don’t lie, and it was honestly somewhat uncomfortable for Ezekiel to catch them looking at him with that… _expression_ they all seemed to have now.

            Other than that, however, everything seemed to go back to normal.

            That is, until the nightmares started.

            Ezekiel wasn’t a stranger to nightmares. They had visited him from time to time throughout his life, ranging from typical childhood dreams of monsters to visions of much more real, human monsters.

            In his line of work, it was impossible to escape those particular ones. Especially considering how young he had been when he first started.

            But these new nightmares were different.

            The first time, he was sleeping on a cot in the Annex. When it became clear that Ezekiel had the very cat-like habit of falling asleep practically anywhere except for the bed that had been provided for him, the cot had become something of a permanent fixture in the main section of the Annex. It was partially an attempt by the others to, as they stated, “encourage Ezekiel to stop falling asleep in random places.” Jenkins had even stopped complaining after a while. Ezekiel figured it was because Jenkins decided if Ezekiel wasn’t going to sleep in his actual _room_ , he would rather the young Librarian sleep on a cot in his workspace than on top of his desk again.

           They had returned fairly late from a rather physically demanding mission and gone their separate ways pretty quickly. The others disappeared into their rooms and Ezekiel had curled up on the cot, falling asleep fairly quickly. And then it began.

            He couldn’t make sense of the images assaulting him in his sleep. Faces, voices, colors – he had always heard no one dreamt in color, but the images were so incredibly vivid. All of it coming at him at a disorienting pace. He didn’t know if the nightmares played out in the form of actual scenes; when he awoke, all he remembered was being bombarded by a chaotic jumble of image after image.

            And the fear.

            It was a heavy force crushing down on him when he bolted awake, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. His heart was pounding and it took him several moments to reorient himself to his surroundings as some of the heavy terror bled away.

            The Annex. On a cot. Tangled in a blanket.

            Running a hand over his face, he tried to calm his breathing and hammering heart. It felt a heck of a lot like the aftermath of a panic attack – something he was also familiar with, but hadn’t experienced for a while now. He had learned quite a while back that replacing self doubt and constant overthinking with overconfidence and narcissistic tendencies did wonders for anxiety. It didn’t get rid of it, but it had certainly pushed it aside. Besides, one didn’t become a master thief with self-doubt and anxiety.

It was simply something that had to be done to ensure his survival in the world of thieves.

            He didn’t think it was possible to have an actual panic attack in your sleep, but he couldn’t remember a nightmare ever leaving him feeling so terrified. His muscles were literally aching.

            As he became more grounded in the present, Ezekiel became aware of someone behind him. He turned to see Jenkins was standing a few feet away, a small bottle in hand and thinly masked concern painting his features.

            Seeing Ezekiel’s questioning expression, Jenkins cleared his throat awkwardly. “I was just coming to try to give you this,” he said, waving the bottle slightly. A clear liquid sloshed inside.

            “Trying to poison me in my sleep, Jenkins?” Ezekiel said lightly, as though he wasn’t still trying to calm in breathing and racing heart. “I know I’m annoying but that’s a bit concerning.”

            Jenkins looked less than amused. “It’s a calming tonic. You were… having a nightmare. You wouldn’t wake so I thought I might try this instead.”

            Jenkins had tried to wake him? Unsuccessfully, apparently. Must’ve been some nightmare.

If only he could actually remember what the heck it had been about.

            “I appreciate the concern, Jenkins, but I’m good now,” Ezekiel said coolly, swinging his legs over the side of the cot and stretching casually. His body seemed to have finally gotten the message that it needed to calm the heck down, and the only physical evidence of his nightmare was the sweat still coating his body and the slightest tightness still grasping his lungs and heart.

            Jenkins was watching him with that look on his face – the one that said he in no way bought into Ezekiel’s BS. But after a moment of watching the young Librarian, he seemed to come to the conclusion that pursuing the matter would achieve nothing. With a sigh, he slipped the bottle into one of his pockets.

            “Well, in that case I’ll leave you to go back to sleep,” he responded, turning to leave the room.

            “Nah, I’ve had enough sleep, I think I’ll grab my board and head to the Grand Canyon or something. There are so many awesome places I haven’t boarded yet.” Ezekiel started to push the cot back to the corner where it had been kept lately when he realized Jenkins was looking at him again.

            “Mr. Jones, you do realize it’s one in the morning?” He said carefully, seeming to watch for Ezekiel’s reaction. “And considering you and the others did not return from your mission, a rather long and tiring mission from the sound of it, I would say you haven’t slept for more than an hour.”

            Normally Ezekiel would choose to respond with more witty banter but he was honestly too mentally and physically exhausted to even bother. He spun around for the back door, realizing then that he hadn’t even taken off his boots before crashing onto the cot. He set the back door for a random location and was through it in a matter of seconds.

            In hindsight, the fact that he didn’t take the time to see where the back door was sending him could have potentially been very bad. Luckily, he ended up in a town in what seemed to be Japan. He found himself walking a bit and ended up in a large, sunny park. A cool breeze swept past him and a little ways away he could see several families having picnics. Small children chased each other around the blankets as the adults laughed together.

            It would be the perfect place to just lie down in the grass and have a long afternoon nap. But as drained as Ezekiel was, the last thing he wanted to do in that moment was go back to sleep. Instead, he forced himself to walk around the town and try to focus his mind on other things.

            It wasn’t until he had been walking for some time that he realized that even though he had given Jenkins that flimsy excuse to leave, he realized he hadn’t taken his board with him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezekiel was the hardest to read of the Librarians and Eve still hadn't quite figured him out, but she was learning. From what she knew, he’d had most of his life to perfect his ability to maintain the perfect facade. 
> 
> That said, Eve had been perfecting her own skills for nearly as long as Ezekiel had been alive.
> 
>  
> 
> Eve didn’t need her years of training and experience to recognize that something had happened and, despite telling herself to remain levelheaded, couldn’t prevent the sharp fluttering deep in her gut. 
> 
> Or: 
> 
> When Eve notices something's up, deciding how to proceed becomes a struggle between emotion and logic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... am so sorry. 
> 
> This chapter is a long, long, long time coming. Incredibly long story short - this is the third time I've written this chapter. Depression and anxiety suck. Loving to write but having zero confidence in your writing sucks. Chronic health issues, mental health issues and 15-18 hour semesters don't mix well.
> 
> BUT I never intended to abandon this story. Honestly, when I wrote chapter one I didn't really have a solid idea of where I wanted to head with the story but now I have a clearer picture. I also took a creative writing class last semester and it helped a LOT with the biggest struggles I have with writing (e.g., going into my stories with a clear picture in mind). 
> 
> Anyway, long note is long and at this rate, the note will be longer than than the story LOL.
> 
> Side note - I'm really sorry this chapter is so short after you've waited so long (if any of you are even still waiting, haha). I promise future chapters will be much longer, I just felt this was the place that felt best to end it. It's also more passive than future chapters will be, which I wasn't too happy with but I felt it was important for moving the story toward future action. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy anyway!

**Chapter 2**

The sheets were still twisted up on the cot when Eve walked into the main room of the Annex the next morning. Her trained mind instantly categorized this as out-of-place (even Ezekiel Jones had to decency to at least push the cot out of the way when done with it) and she sought out Jenkins in the dimly-lit space.

He was at his desk, seemingly busy with one of his projects. Eve could tell from the way he moved, shuffling papers back and forth with no real aim, that he was distracted. 

"Jenkins," she said lightly, approaching him. She raised an eyebrow when he didn't respond or even twitch at her greeting. " _Jenkins."_

He started, then, but covered it well. He glanced up briefly before looking back down. "Good morning, Colonel," he greeted, hands busy again with moving papers around on his desk. "You're up early."

"No earlier than usual," she countered, now standing across from him at his desk. Conditioned to get up at the crack of dawn, Eve had never really dropped the habit even when it was no longer necessary. In fact, all the occupants of the Library seemed to keep odd sleep schedules, though the Librarians themselves were much more the 'stay-up-till-sunrise' types. Jenkins... she wasn't sure she'd ever seen him sleep. 

She waited for a response.When none came, she decided to skip straight to addressing the first, faint alarm bells in her mind. 

"Jenkins, where's Jones?"

He hesitated. "He left earlier, said he was going 'boarding.'" His eyes shifted and Eve followed his gaze to where a lone skateboard was leaning against the wall.

"Ah. Should I be concerned?"

He still wasn't looking at her, and only seemed to suddenly become even more busy with nothing. "Concerned that he'll cause trouble? I don't think so, for once, no." He didn't elaborate and Eve frowned. She realized now that her shoulders had tensed, waiting for his response. Or for something. She wasn't sure.

"Jenkins, what aren't you telling me?"

His hands stilled and he finally looked up, meeting her eyes. She didn't get a chance to read what she saw there before the back door lit up and Ezekiel came tumbling through. Eve was already taking in the pale face and emerging dark circles that spoke to a lack of sleep before Ezekiel righted himself and noticed Eve and Jenkins. 

In a fraction of a second his posture changed, the weary slump of his shoulders becoming a casual slouch. To those who didn’t know him the change would have been unnoticeable. To Eve, it was glaringly obvious. 

"Hey, Baird, Jenkins," he greeted. Instead of coming toward them, Eve watched him skirt the edges of the room to keep a fair distance. Eve figured he was hoping they wouldn't notice his obvious exhaustion if he wasn't close enough. 

"Decided not to sleep in today, Jones?" Eve asked, keeping her tone conversational and watching for Ezekiel's tells. Ezekiel was the hardest to read of the Librarians and Eve still hadn't quite figured him out, but she was learning. From what she knew, he’d had most of his life to perfect his ability to maintain the perfect facade. 

That said, Eve had been perfecting her own skills for nearly as long as Ezekiel had been alive. 

"Yeah, guess I was still hyped from yesterday's mission and woke up early," he answered easily. He wasn’t looking at them, which in itself was alarming, almost more so than his obvious exhaustion. Part of the ‘I know I’m a narcissist and I don’t care who sees’ image Ezekiel maintained was the strength of his confident presence. No matter what, if he was talking to you he would be maintaining eye contact. 

That was one of the very first signs that there was far more to Ezekiel than he led others to believe. She had met far too many people who used that strategy in an attempt to assert their dominance in the situation. 

There were two types - the upper ranking officers with near-narcissistic confidence (the type Ezekiel tried to insist he was) and the victims she sometimes met who used it as a last-ditch defense against a world that had beat them down for far too long. 

It hardly took more than a couple weeks for Eve to figure out which type Ezekiel actually fit into. 

That said, it was a quality Ezekiel held onto at all times, and the fact that right now he seemed to be looking anywhere else but at them only added to her suspicion and concern.

Jenkins was acting strange. The carefully crafted facade Ezekiel clung to was slipping. 

Eve didn’t need her years of training and experience to recognize that something had happened and, despite telling herself to remain levelheaded, couldn’t prevent the sharp fluttering deep in her gut. 

She wanted to confront him right then and there. Call him out, question him until she knew what was wrong. 

Ezekiel was acting strange. Ezekiel was avoiding eye contact and obviously lying about where he had gone, when 99% of the time he came back bragging about whatever exciting adventures he had been on. 

A sudden memory came to mind, unbidden but demanding her attention. 

Ezekiel in that very last run of the video game, the only run the rest of them could still recall. The  brokenness utter exhaustion she had seen in those eyes that she had looked into so many times before. 

A look she recognized from shell-shocked soldiers, from superiors who had been active for longer than Ezekiel had even been alive. 

Ezekiel’s memory of the video game had been wiped. They were sure of that. He hadn’t given them any reason to think otherwise. 

But Ezekiel was acting strange. 

And already Eve’s mind was starting the process of sifting through the past few weeks. Categorizing. Looking for clues, things out of place. 

And doubt was finding it’s way into Eve’s mind.

Because Ezekiel was acting strange. 

And making connections was something Eve did pretty well.

So she wanted to confront him. But… she couldn’t. Because even if Ezekiel’s mask was slipping, she knew just how difficult it would be to break through completely. After so many years of maintaining it, it had become a hard shell that surrounded him and protected him from anything that might hurt him.

She also couldn’t allow herself to give into emotions and jump to conclusions. She could ask Jenkins to get an idea of what happened the night before and go from there. 

And so she watched as he walked quickly from the annex and up the stairs, all without looking at them. 

She wondered if he was aware of just how suspicious that little thing was. Somehow, she doubted that had much priority in his mind. 

She told herself she wouldn’t confront him yet. And yet right before he disappeared from sight, she watched his whole posture slump once more like it couldn’t bear to hold him up for one more second. 

And then he was gone. 

Eve let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and was surprised to hear Jenkins do the same from behind her. She turned to him for the first time since Ezekiel had come through the door and saw the deep and ancient weariness she had seen on his face only a few times before. 

Their eyes met and Eve had so many questions, but knew this wasn’t the time. She simply gave him a look that said, _we need to talk about this later_. Then, out loud, said, “I’m gonna try to get some stuff done before the others wake up.” 

He nodded at her. _I know, we will. As soon as possible._ “It is uncommon for us to have such calm these days, isn’t it? It would be good to take advantage of that.” 

She nodded back and he cleared his throat, turning back to the papers he was shuffling pointlessly around his desk. 

Eve watched him for another moment 

(she couldn’t ask him now, she had to go about this the right way)

(she could _not_ let her emotions control her actions)

before turning away. As she walked from the room, she took a sip of her coffee.

It was cold. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter isn't very long, but I swear I'll be updating it far more often. I really do want to continue and eventually finish this story and I appreciate the supportive comments I've already gotten on chapter 1. 
> 
> I'm also sorry this chapter wasn't very eventful but from the next chapter on, you can expect far more action (as well as far more Ezekiel angst and whump lol). I'm honestly not 100% satisfied with this chapter and I may be editing it later on, but I *needed* to get it out. I've been wanting to update this story for the longest time and I'm trying to kick myself into gear.
> 
> I do want to be 100% honest right now and say I cannot commit to a strict schedule. As much as I want to be the kind of writer that updates every week at the same time, this semester has been a huge struggle for me mentally and physically. But I will update as often as I possibly can.
> 
> I hope you can be patient with me, and I hope you enjoy this story! 
> 
> ~WinterMelodies
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. For those who, like me, find knowing character ages a bit part of enjoying a story, these are the ages according to my headcanon (I do have specific reasons for these ages based on cannon so if you're curious or disagree, feel free to ask me about it haha):  
> Ezekiel - 21  
> Eve - ~42  
> Cassandra - ~30  
> Jacob - ~35  
> Flynn - ~42

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, I'll have the next one up as soon as I can!


End file.
